


Broken Bones

by Palatinedreams



Category: Stargate Atlantis
Genre: Alternate Reality, Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Angst, Captivity, Character Death, Dark, Fights, Gift of Life, Hurt/Comfort, Lovers To Enemies, M/M, Other Additional Tags to Be Added, Past Torture, Recovery, Rescue, Revenge, Torture, Trauma, Violence, Vomiting, Wraith Feeding, evil mirror Todd
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-08-15
Updated: 2020-08-16
Packaged: 2021-03-06 00:34:33
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 2
Words: 10,654
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25914442
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Palatinedreams/pseuds/Palatinedreams
Summary: John wakes up in another reality than his own, trapped on board a Hive by the counterpart of his beloved mate Todd. But the Todd from this universe hates John Sheppard more than he hates anything, and he wants to see John suffer for what the mirror John Sheppard did to him, letting his drones beat John again and again and break his bones - just to heal him with the Gift of Life and starts the torture anew afterwards. Will John ever be able to trust and love his mate again when his Todd finally comes to his rescue and takes him back where he belongs?Healing is a slow and painful process as John finds out after his return, and there is more at stake than just his relationship with Todd, the future and peace of an entire galaxy depending on it...
Relationships: John Sheppard/Todd the Wraith
Comments: 26
Kudos: 40





	1. Suffering

**Author's Note:**

> Writing has always been my valve for everything I have to deal with, and this story is what comes out when I listen too much to special songs and real life shows all of the cruelty it's capable of. 2020 has been a year of painful losses, hurt, fears and uncertainties in so many ways so far, but also a year of new hopes and chances, so this fic is what happened and wanted to be written. <33
> 
> The title and the story itself are inspired by the song _**Broken Bones**_ by the rock group _**Kaleo**_.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> John awakes trapped on board the Hive of the Wraith Commander he knows as Todd, but the Todd of this universe wants to see him suffer for what another John did to him, and suffering is what John is going through for an unknown amount of time if his own beloved Todd won't come to his rescue...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This story is surely not everybody's cup of tea, and if the tags trigger you, please don't read it. If you do, and liked the first chapter, please leave something for me, kudos and comments would really mean a lot to me. <33

_Ain't got no place to call a home_   
_(The devil's going to make me a free man)_   
_Only chains and broken bones_   
_(The devil's going to set me free)_   
_Ain't got no place to call a home_   
_(The devil's going to make me a free man)_   
_So come on Lord, won't you take me now?_   
_(The devil's going to set me free)_

**_Kaleo,_ _Broken Bones_ **

He comes back to full awareness from complete darkness within one heartbeat and the next, but he doesn't remember anything for several long seconds, not even his own name at first.

His mind is blank, like a clean sheet of paper that is waiting to be filled with letters that will eventually unfold into a story before the eyes of the reader. He tries to move, but can't, and he isn't sure whether it's because he's tied or paralyzed as he's not really feeling his body. It takes him more seconds until he's at least able to turn his head to one side and back to the middle position again, and the small effort makes him feel dizzy and sick and pant for air heavily.

He stills and waits until the dizziness slowly fades, concentrating on opening his closed eyes as the next attempt to help his memory come back. His lids are heavy as if someone had weighed them down with large bricks, and they're rubbing against his eyeballs like sandpaper when they finally move upwards, millimeter by millimeter.

It's still rather dark when his eyes are open, either because it's night and he's outside, or because the ones who took him here didn't bother to switch on the lights and wanted him to be left in darkness for some reason. It's some kind of greenish and violet gloom that seems to be everywhere around him, and he knows that he has seen this gloom before, many times even.

The word _hive_ flashes in his brain, but it's just one word on the huge clean white sheet his brain still is, and it confuses him more than that it helps his memory. He still can't feel his body, and some part of him is wondering why he's so sure that he actually _has_ a body and is not just an incorporeal mind without any physical shell, but as he has eyes that start to adjust to the gloom surrounding him, eventually, it's the most logical explanation.

He blinks and glances around as best as he can, and there is this word again, _hive._ It's poking at the memories trapped somewhere in the back of his consciousness, and he knows what a 'hive' is, but that for him this word has an entirely different kind of meaning. It's just a small word, but it arouses a storm of emotions in him, a whirling mess of horror and fury, dread and danger mixed with longing, passion and a sense of home he's sure he's never felt for any other place in this universe.

The more his eyes adjust, the more details he can finally make out. There is some kind of mist wafting from somewhere below, and the greenish and violet gloom seems to come from everywhere around him, emanating from the walls he still can't see, but sense. He's not sure how much time has passed since he's woken up, but it already feels like a very long time, and he becomes anxious because he still can't feel anything of his body except for his eyes and his dry mouth. The silence surrounding him is so thorough that he's not sure whether it is because he's in a room where's just no sound – or rather because he has become deaf during his time out.

Therefore the voice suddenly sounding from somewhere beside him catches him totally off guard and makes him bite down on his swollen tongue and which he hasn't felt until now just like the rest of his numb body. Blood fills his mouth, and the sharp sting of pain spreading from his tongue brings his senses and his awareness of his own body back in one fast and painful rush.

“Ah, Sheppard, how nice to see you finally awake.”

The voice is raspy and resonating in a strange way, and it sounds so familiar and yet totally different from what he used to know. Hearing it again makes his mind jump, literally, his memory coming back and floating him with too many pictures and images all at once.

He's John Sheppard, now full bird colonel of the US Air Force, and the military leader of Atlantis, the City of the Ancients. It's been almost a year since he returned to Pegasus after several weeks on Earth, and the owner of the raspy voice is Todd, High Commander of an alliance of more than twenty Hives – and his chosen mate. They've only been together since a few months ago, but they have loved each other for much longer without either of them truly wanting to admit their feelings to each other – and to the rest of the world as well – and everything still feels so new and unreal.

The Wraith, the race Todd belongs to, and the human races living in Pegasus have been enemies for millennia, but he and Todd are working on building a future with peace for all beings, and everything has gone really well so far. They've found a solution for the feeding problem that is working on most of the treated humans and means that no child, man or woman has to die because of the Wraith's need to feed on their life-force any longer, and John has really been happy and eager to explore his deep emotions for one special Wraith without feeling guilty for loving the enemy anymore.

The last thing he remembers before all went black is he and Todd taking a ride with one of the Jumpers to visit one of their allied planets, the Spacegate near the sun they'd just left and then nothing. The next memory is him waking up here, disorientated and numb – and now hearing the voice of the one being he loves more than he's ever loved anyone or anything in his whole life.

Only that the voice doesn't sound warm and loving any longer.

It sounds mocking and dangerous, hateful and contemptuous.

Now that he can feel his body again, John manages to turn his head in the direction from where the voice is coming, somewhere to his right side. It's painful and takes him a lot of effort, and as he does, he realizes that he can't move any other part of his body except for his head because he's tied to a wall. He can see dark tendrils wrapped around his right wrist and forearm, and the pressure against his midsection and his shinbones and ankles indicates that there are more tendrils keeping him trapped and immobile. From what John knows about Hives, they're probably a part of the organic wall and grew out of it to trap him.

His vertebra crack, and John suppresses a pained groan, his mind desperate to come up with a plausible explanation why Todd should capture him like that and sound so hateful. Before the world disappeared in a bright white flash, throwing him into darkness, they were joking and smiling, the glance out of golden eyes Todd gave him a heated promise of what they would do after their return to Atlantis. There was no hate or mockery visible in the golden depths of his beloved Wraith, no sign of loathing audible in his purring voice. What has happened while he was unconscious to cause this change, John wonders, trying to keep his thoughts on track, which is still hard, and his emotions under control and himself from fretting.

The Wraith comes into view eventually, standing a few steps away from him at his right side, his arms folded across his coat-clad black chest. The familiar and beloved sight sends a thrill through John's aching body, but even in his still so dazed state he notices the difference immediately.

Todd is regarding him with a stoic mask on his striking alien features, but the glare out of his yellow reptile eye is fierce and filled with all-consuming hatred.

One eye, because only his left eye is still intact, the one with the familiar star-like tattoo enclosing it. The right eye is gone, the socket where it has once been embedded left in a chaotic mess of lappets of green-grayish skin, and which are adorned with a horrible pattern of thicker and thinner scars.

John swallows thickly against the sickness rising in his throat. What the hell has happened? Did he crash the Jumper and Todd was too heavily injured to heal fully? His mate had been freshly fed before they had left Atlantis, a precaution they had established before they would go an any off-world mission, now that Wraith can feed on humans without harming them in the process any longer. The treatment they have found doesn't work with everyone, and John belongs to those who couldn't be treated so far, perhaps because of his strong natural ATA gene. But there are enough humans within their alliance now who can offer themselves to a Wraith when their hunger starts to pain them, and most of them consider it an honor to offer their precious life-force to the admired High Commander of their alliance, knowing that their gift will be cherished and grant peace and freedom in Pegasus.

“What happened, Todd?” John rasps out when his voice obeys him again, and the pain hammering behind his temples doesn't make it easier for him to focus, but he really tries to grasp what is going on here.

The blow comes unexpected, shoving his head to the other side and making more pain explode in his skull. John can taste more blood where his teeth cut his tongue for a second time, and he groans, the iron taste of his blood when he swallows it down turning his stomach, making him heave dryly.

His eyes water from the blow, and the room starts to spin from the effort when he turns his head back to Todd. The Wraith has readopted his posture, and his face is still impassive, only his unmarred eye glowing with so much hate.

“Call me by this disgraceful name again, and you will suffer more than just a blow from my hand, human. It's Commander for you.”

Todd's voice – the Commander's voice – is calm, and the calm makes his statement sound even more dangerous and like a lethal threat. John doesn't understand at all what this is all about, and what he did to make his mate hate him so much. If Todd had only pretended that he loves him, he's sure that he would have noticed it. They have shared so much – even their thoughts a few times – and there was never such hate tangible when Todd touched his mind.

John swallows again, and he lifts his chin up in defiance.

“What happened, _Commander?_ ” he repeats his question. “Whatever it is, I'm sure we can talk about it and sort it out like two reasonable adults.”

Todd narrows his intact left eye. “You really want to pretend that you don't know, Sheppard? Let me refresh your memory then.” The tall Wraith starts to pace back and forth before the wall John is tied to with those weird tendrils. They tighten around his wrists as if they're sensing Todd's anger and hate – which they're probably doing considering that Hives are connected with their crews and Commanders through the Hivemind.

“Let's start with the times I offered you my cooperation and you took advantage of the trust I showed you and laid me in chains as a repayment to let me do the drudgery for you – when I was forced to help your genius save his sister for example.”

John closes his eyes at the memory of what he did to help Todd in return. The grip under his chin is not as painful as the blow was, but still painful enough, and another groan escapes his bitten lips as his eyes snap open again.

“Look at me, Sheppard,” Todd growls, his long claws digging sharply into his jaw. Their faces are only inches apart, and John can't help flinching back from the hate in the Wraith's yellow eye. Eyes he remembers to be soft and golden with love and deepest affection.

“Ahh, that's much better, Sheppard. Now I finally get to see the fear in your eyes I've longed to see there ever since you betrayed me so many times. I was stupid enough to believe that you are different from all the other humans, but you are even worse than them.”

John jerks his head out of Todd's grips and earns himself another slap on his cheek. He keeps still when the Wraith takes hold of his chin for a second time, although the touch makes him want to retch. He knows better than to provoke Todd - no, the Commander - too much, but he can't hide his own disgust showing in his eyes, and Todd snarls and digs his claws deeper into his jaw bone.

“Why don't you just go ahead and get it over with? You know that the therapy doesn't work with me, so just drain me dry and get your revenge,” John inquires, feeling angry himself now despite the desperate position he's finding himself in.

The Wraith who looks like his Todd and is yet so different from the Todd he used to know bares his teeth.

“No, I won't feed on you, Sheppard. I wish to see you suffer like I have suffered when you betrayed my faith in you again and again.” he says, and the lack of emotions in his multi-toned voice is scarier than hate and fury would be.

“The next thing on the long list of your betrayals is the Attero Device. You might have forgotten that, but I didn't.”

“You know that it wasn't my fault. None of us knew about it.” John defends himself, even though he knows that it's pointless. Todd wants to hate him, and he'll find things to blame him for easily enough.

“That's what you're saying.” Todd lets go of his chin and resumes his pacing once more. John can feel bruises bloom on his jaw where the Wraith has dug his talons into his skin, but bruises are the least of his worries at the moment.

“I barely survived the 'treatment' you insisted that I and my crew would undergo as a condition for an alliance with Atlantis, and when it went wrong and I turned to you for help, you put me in chains again and trapped me on board my own Hive – only releasing me when your own worthless life was at stake, so I would save it once again. You only let me go afterwards when it was almost too late, and yet I came back to warn you before the super Hive my treacherous second had stolen from me.

You took the three ZPMs I offered you to prove myself worth your trust and affection, and you rewarded me with this...”

Todd points at the scars where his right eye has been, “ – sending your Marines to kill me – fifty of them plus the former runner Ronon Dex.”

John stares at him in horror and disbelief, because none of this is true, and he doesn't know what Todd is talking about. Yes, most of the events the Wraith is retelling have happened, but not quite as he's claiming that they did, and John sure as hell never sent any Marines to kill Todd. He knows for sure that the Commander accompanied them to Earth to defeat the super Hive – where John finally admitted his feelings for the Wraith he's been bound to ever since they met on Kolya's bunker for the first time. He opens his mouth to protest, but Todd raises his right hand threateningly, and John snaps his mouth shut again.

“I should probably feel flattered that you apparently feared that a lesser number of soldiers wouldn't be able to stand up against me alone,” Todd continues his narration, “but I am still angry that you did not bother to honor our brother bond and come yourself to end my existence. Instead you ordered your men to beat me to death. That was your farewell gift before you took Atlantis to leave Pegasus and return to your own world, leaving me here to die, bleeding and with more broken bones than even freshly fed Wraith can heal without some lasting damage.”

“I did not do that, To... Commander,” John objects, horrified that Todd can accuse him of such a terrible thing to do. There must be an explanation for this. Maybe the Genii did this to Todd, or someone else, humans who wore uniforms resembling John's to deceive Todd.

The Wraith bares his teeth to a horrible parody of a loving smile, his left eye shooting yellow fire at him.

“No, _you_ did not do that to me, human, that's true, but it doesn't matter to me. It was my John Sheppard who did that to me. But he's put himself out of my reach, so I decided that another version of him would suffice as a rather satisfying substitute for my revenge. I can see that you have climbed the ladder of rank and are a full colonel now, I wonder whether 'my' Sheppard did the same since I last saw him. Either way, you will pay the debts he owes me, and I will make you pay all of them.”

John stares at the perfect copy of his own Todd – except for the gone right eye – and it takes him several long seconds before he understands what the Wraith has just revealed to him in its full meaning.

He's not in his own world any longer, not even in the same universe. Somehow, the Todd of another reality has found a way to reach through the natural barriers between the different universes and pull him into his own reality, taking him away from everything John knows and loves. He's alone, trapped not only in a Hive with tendrils tying him to a wall, but in an entirely different place, and if he doesn't find a way to go back where he came from, he will die here, killed by the counterpart of his mate in the end and after a long time of torture and suffering.

The Todd of this universe doesn't love him. On the contrary, John is probably the one person in each universe the Commander of this reality hates more than anything, and he will make John suffer for what another John Sheppard did to him.

Icy-cold fear turns his stomach when he looks into Todd's glittering yellow eye, but he lifts his chin up again, not willing to give the other Todd the satisfaction of seeing him break down.

“You're not my Todd. You pulled me into your universe, and now I'm stuck here,” he says, and this time he's expecting the hard blow that comes just like the Wraith had promised him.

“I'm _not_ Todd,” the Wraith hisses into his face, then adds, calm and almost nonchalant: “You'll better not forget that again, Shepparrrd.”

At his mental command, four drones John hadn't seen beforehand step out of the dark shadows, towering before where he is strapped to the wall.

“Beat him, break his bones, but don't kill him, and leave his face intact,” the Commander orders his drones, stepping back to leave enough room for them and watch them with a stoic mask on his face.

John tries to brace himself, but he doesn't get the chance to prepare himself for the first hit. Blow after blow hails down on him, and he slips back into merciful blackness when the pain becomes too much to bear it consciously, his mind screaming for his mate to come to him before there's nothing but darkness everywhere again, swallowing him and erasing every coherent thought.

*~*~*

The sensation of pure white and hot energy rushing into his beaten body pulls him back to awareness far too quickly.

John groans when broken bones snap back into place and the deep wounds and cuts close without leaving any scar on his skin again. He arches into the delicious sensation, pleasure floating through every cell of his tortured body.

He can feel that he's lying now, onto something rather smooth and yielding, and he blinks his eyes open with another moan.

“Todd... you came to me...” he murmurs deliriously, and the sensation stops abruptly, to be replaced by another slap across his face.

“When will you learn your lesson, human? Your _Todd_ is not here to help you!”

The Commander's face is looming above him when he manages to focus, his unmarred left eye staring down at him in distaste. His hateful glance is a weird obverse of the gentle touch of his right hand on his chest, where he fed John his own life, and the feeling of pleasure vanishes instantly when John realizes that the most precious gift he's ever received is twisted and turned into the complete opposite - and actually an important part of the torture and revenge the Wraith known as Todd in John's own universe wants to inflict on him because he can't take revenge on the John Sheppard he thinks to be responsible for his own suffering.

John isn't quite sure what fills him with more horror and disgust – whether it's what the mirror Todd is doing to him – or the thought that his own mirror Sheppard was capable of doing to the Wraith what the Commander blames him of.

He's had his own fair share of fights and bad encounters with his mate before they admitted their feelings to one another, but sending fifty Marines _and_ Ronon to beat him to death – this is nothing John would ever think of doing that to anyone, not even to Kolya or Michael. That his counterpart in this world could be capable of doing that is a thought John can't think to the end without freezing from inside out with a sense of utter horror.

The Wraith rises back to his feet. “I can see that you have recovered enough. I will give you some more time before my drones will come back to beat you again. I don't want you to become addicted to the enzyme, it would diminish my revenge and your suffering. I wish you to be clear-minded for your repayment of _his_ debts.”

“Yeah, sure you want that,” John murmurs as he struggles into a sitting position. He's been brought to some kind of quarters during his unconsciousness, and he's been laid on the Wraith equivalent of a bed. He needs to think of a way to leave this universe and go back to his own reality, to his Todd, his mate. The Wraith who's so different from this one.

Todd – no, he really needs to start thinking of him as _Commander_ instead of Todd – makes his way to the door.

“You're allowed three meals and exercising every day, watching them beat you while you were bound was not as satisfying as I thought it to be. It will be more pleasurable to watch when you're fighting back,” the Commander states, and John grimaces.

“How thoughtful of you. So I'm supposed to cooperate and make my suffering more pleasing to you. Sure as hell I won't do that.” he gives back as nonchalantly as he's able to, and the Wraith narrows his eyes at him.

“I would advise you not to anger me more than 'my' Sheppard already did. There are other ways to make your suffering more intense, believe me.”

“Don't restrain yourself and just feed on me. I've had that before, it won't change my mind.”

“I'm aware of that, Sheppard. But you don't want me to take one of your friends from your world and make them suffer along with you, do you?”

John can't suppress the cold shiver that is running down through his body, and the Wraith bares his teeth. “I thought so, human. Obey me and it won't happen. If you don't, then your genius Dr. McKay will soon keep you company, and I will make you listen to his screams and his pleas.”

Rodney is his only hope that he'll find a way to bring him back to the right universe, together with the help of his Todd, so John swallows down his hate and nods his head.

“I'm not really good at close combat. Your drones won't have much fun with me,” is all he says, and the Wraith inclines his head.

“You will learn for the sake of your friends, Sheppard.” With this he leaves him alone in the gloomy darkness again that seems to fill every Hive John has visited so far, and John really wishes he hadn't brought him back to life but let him die here, the distant ache of healed bones that have been broken only minutes ago the perfect reminder of what his future will be like if his mate won't come to his rescue.

*~*~*

John doesn't know what's worse, the beating until he's writhing on the ground, retching blood onto it and too weak to even scream, or the moment when the Commander, who looks so much like Todd but isn't like him at all, kneels down beside him to lay his feeding hand onto his chest to feed him with life, his gentle touch the terrible parody of the touch of a tender lover.

The Commander keeps his promise, always giving him time to recover in between the beatings and the Gift of Life so he won't become addicted to the enzyme, and the waiting for the next time is almost worse torture than the beating is. His drones always make sure to break each single bone in his body, at least it feels like that, but they leave his face intact, only bruising his jaw when their hits land in the wrong place by accident. His kidneys hurt, and he can hardly breathe, because the Wraith always enjoys watching him writhe and retch before he graciously bends down to heal him, and John can slowly but unstoppably feel his resolve crumble and his mind start to lose focus and succumb to the horror, the loneliness and the madness that seem to be the only way for him to escape this living hell and his tormentor, who's become his personal devil so quickly.

During the nights, when he's lying on the bed in his quarters, the face of his beloved mate and the one of the hated Commander mingle until he can't tell them apart anymore, and in his dreams, he begins to flinch back from Todd's touch when his mate is reaching out for him.

John will wake up covered in cold sweat, and sleep will flee him afterwards, his dark thoughts and the madness his sole companions during those long and dark hours. The Wraith bringing him his meals and taking him to the arena never talk to him, but sometimes John can feel their eyes upon him, filled with pity as much as they're filled with wariness and disgust.

“I'm not the one who did that to your Commander,” he tried to tell them at the beginning, “I'm not the John Sheppard he hates so much. I belong to another reality, and in my universe, your Commander and I are mates.”

They never answer to him, but one of them, looking rather young and of slender shape with long hair cascading down to his waist, pauses in his motion and falters in his step. He doesn't turn around to look at him, though, and John feels disappointed, but tries it again nevertheless.

“You can come with me if you help me,” he says, “in my world, Wraith and humans live together in peace and without fear. No one has to die because of your need to feed any longer. I'll show you my world if you'll help me.”

The Wraith leaves without a word, and John closes his eyes and presses his palms against his lids. He has stopped counting the times the Commander with only one eye intact has summoned him to the arena to watch his drones beat the shit out of him, and all he wants is this to end. Death would be a mercy at this point, and he has stopped defending himself, even though this is making _single-eye –_ how he has started to call the mirror Todd – even angrier than he already is, and the beating worse.

John has come to fear the Gift of Life more than the beating itself though, the precious gift _his_ Todd had once given him standing for torture and suffering now. John doesn't think that he can think of the Gift of Life without a sense of horror and dread ever again, and every time he's staring up into the Wraith's uninjured left eye while the Commander feeds him with his own life, his blood turns cold and his heart clenches in painful rejection of the life that isn't his own and doesn't belong to him.

It's coming from another human who had to die for him, and the mere thought is making him feel sick and chilling him down to his broken bones.

It's another day and another time he's finding himself standing in the arena, but John has stopped counting them long ago. The young Wraith who's bringing him his meals most of the times releases him from his grip and steps back, eyeing John pitifully.

“You could end this, you know that?” John murmurs. “Just send a message through the portal your Commander has used to bring me here, tell my people where I am. You don't need to do this – you can do the right thing!”

He doesn't know why he's still trying, and the Wraith turns around silently once more, leaving him standing in the arena. John raises his head to face the drones, and he takes a startled step back when instead of the faceless warriors the counterpart of his mate is entering the ring, his features contorted into a grim mask of hate.

“You will fight, Sheppard. You will fight, or else I will take Dr. McKay and make him fight for you instead. You will fight, and you will bleed, the sound of your breaking bones giving me back what _he_ has stolen from me. Fight and break, John Sheppard!” _Single-eye_ snarls, and John couldn't imagine that the horror could actually become worse, but it does, and there is no escape, no mercy, no end.

John raises his fists when _single-eye_ lands the first blow on his shoulder, and he kicks with his foot blindly, but he's never been the skilled fighter Ronon or Teyla are. Iron fists hail down on him in red fury, and his vision blurs with both pain and tears. Seconds stretch to minutes and minutes to hours as the fight goes on, and John does his best to cover his face and turn away from the hits and the beating, the Commander's roars ringing painfully in his ears. He lashes out blindly and his smacks and kicks never seem to hit the goal, but he knows that this is part of his torture and that he must go on trying and fighting.

 _Single-eye_ wants him to fight, and if he doesn't and just gives up, then someone else will have to pay the debts the John Sheppard of this world owes to the evil counterpart of his Todd. His body is one single pain and agony, and he's bleeding onto the dark floor of the arena, his red human blood leaving weird and terrifying patterns on it. He goes down, but struggles back onto his feet each time he falls, and he wonders about the voice that breaks through the roars all of a sudden, a voice so familiar and loved, but it can't be. His mate isn't here, and his mind has obviously finally giving in to the madness and is imagining things that aren't there.

“You have something that is mine. I have come to retrieve it,” the voice says, calm but holding a lethal threat in it, and John tries to clear his vision, but there's sweat and blood in his eyes, and he can't see anything.

He's pushed down to the ground and falls once more, the terrible sound of more cracking bones so familiar to him after all the times he's been beaten.

There's a heavy weight on his chest, and the Wraith's devilish face is looming somewhere above his head when he's lying bleeding and shaking on the ground, all of his bones broken again, but it turns into the face of his beloved mate, _single-eye_ and Todd melting together. John screams in horror and tries to crawl away from the touch of the feeding hand that will only bring more pain, more horror, more suffering, so much more than any living being should have to endure.

“Hush, you're safe now, John, let me heal you,” the voice says, and John stares up into the face of his beloved mate. Hot white energy is rushing into him, and it's too much, far too much. John screams again, and his body arches in painful convulsions as it tries to get away from the touch and the painful pleasure it can't bear.

“John,” the voice whispers brokenly, and then, everything goes dark again.


	2. Healing

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> John returns to Atlantis, but nothing is the same anymore, he's not the same anymore.  
> John is broken, and fixing a broken mind and heart is not as easy as fixing broken bones seems to be.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> There is the description of character death in this chapter, so please don't read if that triggers you. I'm not a therapist, writing is my valve for the good and the bad things that happen in my life, and this story is entirely fiction. <33

His unconsciousness doesn't last long this time, and John comes back to again with a gasp, looking around with wild eyes. He's half sitting and half lying, leaned against a broad chest, the scent of Wraith penetrating his nose.

John makes a wild noise and struggles away from the black-clad chest, his mind clouded with beginning madness, and the sudden change in the behavior of his tormentor just adds to his horror. Why is the Commander holding him so tenderly, rocking him so gently and making soothing noises deep in his throat?

The Wraith hates him, it can't be, it's just one more way to torture and break him. Breaking his bones is obviously not satisfying enough any longer, now he wants to break his mind for good as well, and John needs to get away from _single-eye,_ he needs to get away, get away, he needs to...

“John, hush, don't be scared. It's me, Todd. He will never hurt you again, I made sure of that.” The voice is so terribly familiar, the voice of his mate, sounding so tender and loving. It's the voice John remembers with love and longing, but it's the voice he has come to hate and fear more than anything, too. The voice of the Wraith who looks like the Todd John fell in love with, and who's yet the complete opposite to him, and this not only because of his missing right eye.

John whimpers, and he doesn't dare to turn around, frozen in his motion as he tries to move away from the strong body that had once promised shelter and love, and which is now the symbol for terror and pain.

“John, please, look at me, please...” his mate whispers into his ear, and John flinches away, because he has learned not to trust this voice anymore. It will deceive him, promise safety and bring pain instead, so much pain, so much despair and horror, too.

“Go away, you're not my mate. Go away, leave me alone, please leave me alone!” John croaks out, and he wonders briefly about the oddity that the tenderness and care _single-eye_ is showing him now will finally achieve what his cruelty during all those months never managed to accomplish: breaking his will, his strength, his mind and his heart.

John is broken. Finally broken.

He can't fight any longer, and he will never be the same man again he's once been. _Single-eye_ made sure of that. The thought of his own counterpart, the one responsible for the Commander's own madness, for his hate for all John Sheppards in each universe, makes John shudder. So many different universes, how many evil and cruel John Sheppards do exist, how many Todds like _single-eye_?

John shudders again, and then his horror overwhelms him and all he can do is bend forward and retch violently onto the yielding ground of the Hive until his vomiting slowly turns to dry-heaving. Tears are streaming over his face, tears of pain and effort from the retching, but they're also tears of grief and loss, and John doesn't care that the Commander can see him crying, because he has stopped caring about anything when he broke.

Strong hands are holding his head and his shoulders, keeping him from falling into the puddle of his own vomit, and when he's finally done with puking his guts out, he's cradled against the broad black chest again and lifted up so easily as if he was weighing nothing.

“We're going home now, John,” the voice says, and John wants to squeeze his eyes shut, but feels his gaze drawn to the face above his own.

The Wraith's face is not beautiful in the common sense of the word, his features too alien and angular for that. But they're striking and remarkable, and John knows from experiences that this face is turning heads wherever its owner is going.

John knows this face by heart now, each line, each curve of it, each valley and hill. He knows the prominent hairless brow ridges over the eyes better than he knows his own face, the shape of the sensor slits beside the nose, the angle of the jaw, the small goatee adorning the prominent chin. The star tattoo around the left eye.

The face so close to his own has two intact eyes, eyes that are not yellow, but glowing golden with love and worry when his mate meets his frightened glance. It's Todd's face, the face of his beloved mate. He's come to save him, eventually.

John raises a shaky hand to the face of his mate, but instead of joy and love, all he feels is regret. Regret that Todd came to him when it was too late to really save him, because John is so broken and will never be the same again, never whole, never the John Todd used to know again.

“You came,” he whispers, and Todd nods.

“I will always come for you, John,” the Wraith says simply, striding to the exit of the arena with firm steps and John nestled against his chest. “We're going home now, John,” he repeats, and John looks down when they pass the dark figure lying motionless in the center of the ring.

 _Single-eye_ is lying flat on his back, his long silvery hair forming a halo around his head, dark with his own blood now. There is a deep cut in his throat from one ear to the other, dark as well, but the blood has already started to dry. His arms are spread wide, and his mouth is opened to a silent scream, his lips pulled back from his translucent pointed teeth. The socket where his right eye has once been is sunken deep into his skull, and his intact left eye is staring unseeing at the ceiling, his gaze broken in the moment of his death.

“You killed him.” John says.

“He hurt you.” Todd replies, his voice even, just stating a fact.

He doesn't spare his counterpart a single glance as he passes his body, and John closes his eyes.

His last coherent thought is the brief and somewhat curious question if _single-eye_ has finally found the peace in his death he could never find as long as he was still alive and driven by his hate for what the John Sheppard of his own universe did to him.

This question will never be answered, though, and John lets himself fall into the blackness of another unconsciousness, which brings peace with it for as long as it will last.

*~*~*

John doesn't remember much of the first days after his return to his own universe and to Atlantis.

His body doesn't need much treatment, the broken bones and bleeding wounds healed by the Gift of Life Todd gave him when he came to bring him back home. It's surprisingly easy to fix broken bones, organs and skin, John muses as he's waiting for Carson to clear him for duty.

His broken mind is an entirely different kind of matter, though. It's still shattered into pieces, and not even the Gift of Life will change that. Quite the opposite, _single-eye_ has made sure that John will never be able to merely think of this most precious gift without flinching back from it, and this is probably what the evil counterpart of Todd wanted to achieve when he made it a part of John's ever-lasting torture.

“You're clear for duty, lad,” Carson says, “at least physically. Are you sure that you don't want to take some leave and rest?”

John shakes his head vigorously. “I'm fine,” he assures the doctor, even though it's a blatant lie. He's far from being 'fine', and he'll never be fine again, but he needs to work to distract himself and keep his mind from wandering around and going straight back to the hell of his still so vivid memories.

Memories of s _ingle-eye_ glaring at him with his left eye, yellow with hate and all-consuming wrath.

 _Single-eye_ staring unseeing at the ceiling, lying dead and shattered in the arena, the deep cut in his throat looking like the horrible parody of a grinning mouth that haunts him and mocks him in his restless slumber.

There is not one single night without nightmares waking him up with a loud scream, and he can't stop thinking, the images of the dead Commander still so clear before his mind's eye as if he was still in the arena himself, looking down at him in horror.

When he was carried in the strong arms of his mate, who has killed his own counterpart without blinking.

John isn't sure how he feels about that.

Of course he knows that Todd has taken lives before. Not only because of his need to feed, but as a warrior and soldier. In self-defense as much as to protect those he cares about. Too many lives to count them, actually. He always knew that, but it has never made him think about it before now. He's never seen the killer in his mate like he's doing now when he looks at Todd.

John is a soldier himself. He has taken more lives than he can count, and he thinks that one day they will come back to haunt him. He'd always been good at suppressing such thoughts, at going on and not thinking at all about the horrible things he had to do to save his own life and the lives of innocent people and the ones he loves.

But he's not the same anymore, and now he can't stop thinking about that. Thinking about how easily Todd killed the evil version of himself. He did that to save John, because he loves him. But it's adding to his confusion and his torn feelings, and it makes it so much harder for him to tell Todd and the evil Commander apart, not to mix his beloved mate with _single-eye,_ his tormentor _._

John still loves Todd. At least as much as he's able to still feel any love at all. He loves his friends, his team. He loves Rodney, Teyla and Ronon, who came together with Todd to rescue him and bring him back home.

But he doesn't feel comfortable and safe in their company anymore, and he knows that they don't understand him, that they'll never be able to understand what he's gone through and what the Wraith's torture did to him. How it has changed him into a man he doesn't know himself any longer at all. There is a huge gap between him and his friends, a rift that is too large and too deep to overcome it.

John sighs and forces a crooked smile onto his face. It feels so false and wrong, and it hurts where it curls at his lips. He knows that his grin isn't showing in his eyes, but he hasn't really told anyone what happened to him in the months when he was gone, has played it down, and he's not sure whether he shall be grateful that his friends were so eager to believe him that it wasn't so bad – or rather be angry with them that they were falling for his lies so willingly.

Carson looks at him doubtfully for a moment, but then he nods his head and clears him fit for duty with a sigh.

John takes a deep breath and goes back to work, and on with his old life, the life of a man who's now a stranger to him.

*~*~*

Todd is gone for weeks, and John knows that it's entirely his fault.

He has tried so hard, and in the first days after his return, when he was still so dazed and too broken to care about anything, he let Todd touch him and pull him close without flinching away from his mate. He was vaguely grateful that Todd came after him, that he didn't let him down, that he never stopped searching for him.

It was Carson who told him that he was missing for more than six months, that Todd sent all of his twenty Hives to turn the entire galaxy upside down in search for him, to turn each single stone on each planet.

It is Rodney who tells him that he and Todd worked on finding him in another reality all day and night, interrupted only by Rodney's need to sleep at least four hours each night.

As mean as it actually is, but John is angry with his friend that he felt the need to sleep at all while he was gone. How could Rodney close his eyes and forget about his friend even for a few hours when John was suffering so much, lying bleeding on the floor of the arena, his bones shattered by _single-eye's_ drones?

John knows that it's wrong to feel that way, but he can't help it.

“We never stopped looking for you, John,” Rodney says, pausing, swallowing. They're sitting together in the mess hall, the third week since Todd has left him. Since he's gone back to his Hive to lead their alliance from there and make sure that it won't break into pieces like John's broken heart and mind.

“I know that you did everything you could do, McKay,” John assures him, and doesn't really mean it, but Rodney buys this other lie easily and smiles at him.

“Todd was sure that you were stuck in another reality than ours, but we didn't know where – when. We had no fix, and not even the mirror we got from Earth could tell us where you were – until the Wraith contacted us.”

John never asked how they finally managed to find him, and he wonders what happened to the young Wraith when Rodney tells him how they found the right reality. He didn't come with them, so he must still be there, in his own world. Does he mourn the loss of his Commander? Does he hate John for his Commander's death now?

“I'd never thought that I would see Todd so desperate, so broken. He was shattered, not the same anymore, John.” Rodney adds after a long moment of silence, and John nods quietly, staring down at his plate and the food he has barely touched.

 _'You don't know what it means to be broken,'_ is what he's thinking, _'Todd doesn't know what it means to be broken.'_

Only that his mate probably knows better how it feels to slowly go mad with the never ending torture. He's gone through his own private hell for more than ten years, while John had to endure only six months. He's not sure what it says about him – and what about Todd.

Todd, who looks so much like John's tormentor. At some point his view has changed, and now it's his mate who's reminding him of his captor, and not anymore the evil Commander reminding him of his mate, which is probably a bad thing.

His mate was trying so hard to make John feel safe and loved after he'd come to bring him back where he belongs, but Atlantis doesn't feel like home any longer, and John can't set his foot in a Hive anymore. He's really been trying hard to overcome his nightmares, but they haunt him every time he closes his eyes, and it's worse when Todd is lying next to him, so Todd went to spend the night somewhere else, ignoring the furtive and worried glances following him when he left John's quarters to wander through Atlantis' hallways deep in the night.

“What can I do to make you feel better, John?” the Wraith asks when he returns to Atlantis after two more weeks of absence, stepping behind John, who's staring into the mirror on the wall. “What can I do to make you feel safe, to make you stop fearing me so much? I'm not him, I will never hurt you the way he did.” He reaches out to touch him and lay his hand onto his shoulder, but John avoids his touch instinctively and moves away. Todd sighs and lets his hand fall down at his side again. They look each other in the eyes in the mirror, and John has to blink to focus on Todd's two intact eyes, the memory of another face, so similar to the one of his beloved mate, replacing reality and making his heart freeze in his chest.

“I know that you will never hurt me, Todd,” he murmurs, and he attempts to smile, but fails.

“I love you, John.” the Wraith tells him, and his voice is soft, not hateful like the voice of the Commander always was.

“I love you too,” John says, and he really does, but sometimes, love is just not enough.

*~*~*

Time passes by slowly, and there is a numbness settling in his bones and his mind. The bones that have been broken so many times. They are healed, and it was Todd, his mate, who healed them the last time and fixed what his counterpart had broken.

But sometimes his bones are still aching with the distant memory of cracks and dark lines that are visible when Carson checks them with the x-ray and the Ancient device, lines that speak of the damage that has been done to him countless times because John's counterpart ordered his Marines to beat the Wraith to death, the Wraith whose only crime was to trust the human he'd once called his brother.

His mind is still shattered, but sometimes John can forget it. When he does, he can let Todd touch him without flinching again, and even touch him in return. It doesn't happen often, and in most of the nights they're spending together, they lie next to each other without touching, John on the right side of the bed, near the edge, and Todd far away from him on the left side.

His mate never sleeps when John allows him to come near him, he's watching John's sleep, staring at the dark ceiling with vacant eyes, and John knows that Todd is suffering because of the silence between them, his heart bleeding because of John's inability to trust him like he trusted him before _single-eye_ took his trust away from him.

Carson and Richard Woolsey order him to see a therapist, and John nods his head and goes to her office without arguing. Dr. June Auburn is kind and never pushes him, and John is astonished how easy it actually is to talk to her and tell her what happened to him. It takes him some time, and he listens to himself as if it was a complete stranger he does not know at all who's telling his story, telling her what the Commander did to him to take revenge on another John Sheppard.

Talking to her is helping him, and with the pills Carson gave him after some hesitation, John even gets a few hours of sleep without nightmares each night.

But neither his talks, nor the pills help him save his slowly dying relationship with Todd.

There is so much distance between them, and the rift becomes deeper and larger with every day that passes.

“Talk to me, John, let me help you!” Todd pleads for the umpteenth time, and John grits his teeth.

“I can't. You can't help me. You don't know what he did, you'll never know what he did, and I can't explain it to you!” he shouts back, his hands pressed against his temples to silence the mocking laughter of Todd's counterpart that is still echoing in his tortured mind.

The Wraith gives him a long unreadable look. “I know exactly what he did to you, John,” he says, and he doesn't sound angry or impatient, just tired and resigned.

“Our minds were one when life fled him and his existence ended.”

Todd doesn't say _'when I cut his throat,'_ but he doesn't need to, John has always known it.

He hadn't known that the minds of his mate and _single-eye_ were connected when the other Commander did his last breath, though, and he feels bare and bereft of his last shelter and protective walls in this moment, because Todd _knows_.

Knows all the terrible and ineffable things the other Commander did to him, and how _single-eye_ enjoyed watching John break and scream, retch and beg for mercy. How John sometimes begged for the Wraith to kill him because he was too weak and couldn't take it anymore.

Todd never said anything, but he always knew what his counterpart did to him, and he knows John's weakness and how little worthy he actually is to be Todd's mate any longer. John can't help but ask himself why Todd is still here with him.

“Because I love you, John.” The Wraith says, reading John's silent question in his eyes. “I will always be there, I will never turn my back to you.”

John swallows. “I can't.” he whispers, turning away from the golden eyes looking straight into his soul. There is a long silence, only broken by the quiet whoosh of the door at last. When he turns back around again, Todd is gone.

*~*~*

The silence between them affects the alliance between Wraith and humans.

Todd's crews don't understand why John is treating their adored Commander like a stranger, and John's distance to his mate spreads and makes the members of the Atlantis expedition and their allies from other worlds become distant and insecure as well.

John hates it, and he knows that it's all his fault, but he's not the man he's once been anymore, and he's lost himself and won't find his old self back again without help.

He goes on missions with his team again, and he trains with Ronon each day because it helps him sleep and is a good valve for his helpless and anger and self-hatred, for his nightmares and fears.

The months in the Commander's captivity have turned him into a damn good fighter, something he hadn't been aware of until Ronon is lying on the ground and blinking up at him with a silly expression on his face. He likes his new ability to fight in close combat and defeat his opponents on a regular basis now, and he tells Dr. Auburn about it the next time he sees her.

June looks at him with a small smile. “How does it make you feel, John?” she asks, and the smile that curls at his lips in return is the first real smile since his return.

“It makes me feel good. Back in control, less helpless,” he says slowly after a moment of thinking.

“That's a good thing, John,” June nods, and he gazes at her.

“Do you really think that it's a good thing that I've become a fighter and like beating other people?”

“Of course, John. You are a soldier. You have always been a warrior, and that you can defend yourself is a good thing. Everything that is making you feel safe and in control again is a good thing.” She pauses and purses her lips. “It's a start, John. You still have a long way ahead of you, but a start is made.”

John looks back at her, and he can feel that she is right. It's just a small thing, but it's a start, and that's so much more than he's had before, so it's really a good thing.

*~*~*

Things improve for John from this day on.

He feels better, he can eat without feeling like having to vomit right away again, and the nightmares won't haunt him every single night any longer, but come back only now and then.

He spends more time with his friends again, and his anger that Rodney didn't find him sooner slowly fades as well.

But there is one thing that doesn't change. He still can't look Todd in the eyes without seeing _single-eye's_ face instead of Todd's, and he still flinches away from his touch more often than he does not. His mate never says anything, he's patient and quiet, never getting angry, even though John would rather hear Todd yelling at him than endure his resigned silence.

There's a rift between their alliance like there is a rift between him and Todd, the future they have been building with so much effort going down together with their own relationship.

John had never been aware of how much the strong bond Atlantis has been building with Todd's Hives has actually always been a mirror of his own bond with Todd, and that their love for each other has always been the strongest warrant for a peaceful Pegasus Galaxy.

His love for Todd and Todd's love for him is what ties Wraith and humans living in this galaxy together, and their love is the tether that will break if he and Todd don't find a way to fix what has been broken so thoroughly because another John Sheppard and another Todd from another universe have hated each other so much.

When the silence between them grows more and more, and seeing the fear and disgust in John's eyes whenever he tries to touch him becomes too much for Todd to bear, he starts to spend more time on board his Hive, leaving Atlantis' orbit to disappear between the blinking stars for days and weeks and seek shelter there to hide his own broken heart from the rest of the world.

John is lying in his bed alone at night then, and it's the only time when he can admit how much he's missing his mate, how much he still loves him.

Richard Woolsey's face wears creases of deep worries these days, and even Ronon begins to shift on his chair nervously, asking John in an impassive voice when Todd will come back again and with an expression of angry helplessness on his face. John can't give him the answer he wishes to hear, and he hates himself for that.

The next time Todd's return to Atlantis is scheduled, the face of his Second appears on the screen, his yellow-green eyes full of fear when he starts to speak.

“The High Commander is missing. He didn't come back from a flight to one of our colonies, and we don't know where he is. He just disappeared from our screens in a bright white flash. We couldn't find him, and the other Hives will leave the alliance if he doesn't come back to us.”

His words are hanging in the air of the control room, and everyone present is too shocked to react, Richard, Rodney, Ronon and Teyla just staring at the Wraith's face on the screen with wide eyes.

Todd is gone, and if he doesn't come back, then war will break out again, bring death and destruction back to Pegasus.

*~*~*

John's heart is pounding in his chest, and everything is happening like in slow motion. It's the moment when John realizes that it doesn't matter anymore what _single-eye_ did to him. The evil Commander has never been Todd, has never been like his beloved mate at all, and John wonders with a frown how he could ever mistake him for Todd, for the one being he loves more than anything.

Even more than his own life.

“I know where he is,” John hears himself say, and they all turn their heads to look at him.

“You do?” the Second asks him doubtfully, and John nods his head. He can't tell why he's so sure that he knows where Todd is, and who captured him, but he can feel it in his bones, and there is a certainty within him that makes him straighten his shoulders and look Todd's Second in the eyes without faltering.

“Yes, I know where he is. Who's the one who took him. I will go after him, and I will bring him back, I promise.”

The Wraith inclines his head. “You are his mate, Colonel Sheppard. If you say so, then I believe you. We will see to Atlantis' safety while you're gone.”

John wonders that Todd's Wraith have still so much faith in him, even though let them down in the worst way possible, and he feels touched, but also the burden of responsibility that the peace and well-being of an entire galaxy depends on him now.

“I will bring him back to you – to all of us,” he promises again, and the only thing he regrets is that Todd had to be taken away from him to make him heal and find a glimpse of the John Sheppard he once was in himself again. There is still a long way ahead of him until the shadows of the past won't be more than just distant memories, thin white lines on the landscape of his mind, and the journey he needs to take to bring Todd back will also be the journey he has to travel to fix his broken mind.

John lifts his chin up and takes hold of his gun. “I must go now,” he says, even though he knows that he'll need help to reach the place where he needs to go to find Todd.

Rodney steps beside him. “We must go. You can't go there alone, and we will bring him back together, John. We're one team, remember?” he reminds John, and Teyla and Ronon follow Rodney's example and step forward until they flank him.

“It's good to have you back, Sheppard,” the tall Satedan rumbles, and John finds himself smiling at his friends despite his fear that he will come too late to save his mate. That it took him too long to heal to fix things again.

“Yes, Rodney, we're one team,” he says, “We've always been. So let's go and bring Todd back.”

Back where Todd belongs, back to John.

Because John finally remembers that he will always belong to Todd, and that not even Todd's evil counterpart could change that.

The Commander might have broken his bones, but he couldn't break John's mind, not for good.

John lifts his chin up higher, smiles, and steps through the mirror.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yeah, that's it, the end of this fic. This fic was always meant to focus on John and his long way back after what happened to him. It might not be the end of the entire story, and I could perhaps write a sequel with the focus on Todd and/or John as a conclusion of this one (and a real happy end), but it will depend on the reaction to this fic and the feedback it's getting, so if you'd like a sequel, please don't be silent but let me know. <33


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